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LIVE: America's Neediest, Most Pathetic Liar Gets A Confirmation Hearing
Come on down, Kash!
Today is the confirmation hearing for Kash Patel, probably the least qualified of all Donald Trump’s nominees, for the position of FBI director, which Trump shouldn’t even be filling. But his last nominee Chris Wray didn’t turn out to be enough of a cock-gobbling loyalist for his tastes and so he announced his intent to cut Wray’s 10-year term short and put the dumbest, neediest, most desperate-to-be-liked person he knows into the role.
Some of our favorite stories about Kash Patel are about his lies, because they’re a very specific kind of lies. They’re lies told by a man who is laughed at and mocked by every person of quality he’s ever met, who is self-evidently just an absolute loser, so he tries to survive by impressing people who are equal in loserdom to him, telling them fantastical things about himself.
“I gave the order to kill ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi!” LOL no.
“I was the lead prosecutor on Benghazi!” What?! Oh my God, no.
Do y’all remember during Donald Trump’s first impeachment, for trying to extort Ukraine into helping him steal the 2020 election, how Kash had Trump convinced that he was the Ukraine expert on the National Security Council? He was not the expert of shit, Trump was very confused to learn. Kash claimed he was in charge of two directorates at the NSC. Again, LOL no.
Bless his heart.
Please love me! Please think I’m cool! I have never been loved by a human being for any reason, which is probably because I am undeserving of it! So I have latched on to MAGA and Donald Trump, because this movement is full of absolute dead-ends like me, guys with chips on their shoulders and deep emotional wounds!
Also please buy my incredibly pathetic and dorky merch! People who wear it definitely have sexual intercourse sometimes!
Put it this way: Nobody writes out enemies lists and publishes them in books because they think it makes them look like tough guy badasses who isn’t a total kick-me sign.
Have you heard about his children’s books, where he is the main character and is also a wizard and hero? Alexandra Petri has:
Kash and Devin visit Russionia and discover that there is no such place as the Swirly Tower Tavern. They return to the Land of the Free to confront the shifty knight, who admits his deception. But then he rushes out and tells the heralds to alert the people that he has another secret reason to think King Donald is a cheater.
The heralds are more than happy to spread this lie! Their perfidy saddens King Donald. But Kash comes to the rescue. He scurries up to the top of the castle tower to shout the truth to the people, with Hillary Queenton and the shifty knight hot on his heels. When he stops to tie his wizard shoe, they trip over him and fall ... not to their deaths, just into the moat, where they get covered with mud. (My toddler loved this part.) Kash announces there is no proof that Donald Trump conspired with the Russionians and that Hillary Queenton was behind the incriminating, slimy papers in the steel box. “Now that you know more of the facts, it’s time for you to think carefully and decide what you think of the king. Don’t just trust the person with the loudest trumpet.” The people realize they were fooled. They throw a big party for the king and banish Keeper Komey, Hillary Queenton and the shifty knight from the kingdom for good.
About the second book: “There is a reason most franchises don’t sideline the main characters for a full installment and tell a story about Dinesh D’Souza instead.”
If this guy was your uncle you’d call the cops and tell them to make sure he doesn’t get too close to your school.
Rachel Maddow’s A-block about Kash was pretty entertaining the other night. It features things we’ve talked about here, and so much more, like the way Trump AG Bill Barr laughed his ass off at Trump when he wanted to make Kash the FBI deputy director. Watch it if you haven’t seen it:
“He’s absolutely unqualified for this job. He’s untrustworthy,” said Charles Kupperman, who served as Trump’s deputy national-security adviser and worked closely with Patel. “It’s an absolute disgrace to American citizens to even consider an individual of this nature,” he said.
So, so humiliating.
John Bolton called him a “climbing weed” on Jen Psaki’s show the other night. Have y’all heard about the times Patel reportedly endangered highly sensitive hostage negotiations and rescues, because he’s a fucking idiot who apparently can’t keep his mouth shut?
Yes, today is Kash Patel’s confirmation hearing. This guy with that crazed look in his eyes, who looks like he gets smacked by an anvil on one side of his head every hour, back and forth, back and forth, 24 hourly anvil clangs every day.
Today there are also confirmation hearings for Russia’s girlfriend Tulsi Gabbard to be director of national intelligence, and another hearing for Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Seems like MAGA doesn’t want people paying too close attention to these morons, predators and useful idiots.
There’s so much fucked up Tulsi news coming out this week, we can’t even get into it. But her nomination might not even make it out of committee. Oh man we want to watch that hearing.
But we have to choose, and we choose Kash. (Said nobody who smells good, ever.)
All the livestreams are in here, though. Kash starts at 9:30 Eastern, Tulsi and Wormbrain start at 10.
If MSNBC starts flipping back and forth between hearings, we might do that too.
9:33: Well, MSNBC and CNN have apparently both decided to go 24/7 coverage wtih the terrible plane crash. We guess they don’t have the bandwidth to also cover the end of democracy.
The Kash hearing is beginning right now.
9:40: You guys, Chuck Grassley says Kash Patel has had an “extensive career” to prepare him for this moment. We bet he heard that from Kash Patel. He should probably read this post.
9:41: LOL Kash Patel’s qualifications are that he was Devin Nunes’s fluffer in helping the Trump campaign and Russians escape accountability for what they did in 2016. Chuck Grassley, everyone.
9:45: One of the things Kash Patel wants to do to the FBI is close the DC main HQ and move it somewhere irrelevant, where there are no important people. These things will help him solve the Deep State crimes.
Chuck Grassley is currently doing his dairy cow bitching about all the times Chris Wray hurt his feelings or went to Bali instead of coming to eat chilled butter at Chuck Grassley’s office.
9:49: Watching 91-year-old Chuck Grassley babble incoherently at clouds about how Kash Patel isn’t the real weaponization, LIBERALS are the real weaponization, you can really see how fucked we are right now.
9:51: Now Grassley is babbling that he has some emails from T-Bo (?) that prove Jack Smith did a lawfare to Trump. T-Bo said it right here, in this email!
Uh oh, another email from T-Bo!
All he’s doing is literally sharing correspondence that suggests that there were emails about whether Trump should be a criminal target of the treason documents investigation (the one where Trump stole state secrets and concealed that, only to have the case dismissed by a judge who thinks she’s the den mother of Eric’s Cub Scout troop).
9:56: Time for Dick Durbin to give his opening statement, wonder if he’ll go for 80 minutes babbling about “T-Bo” the way Grassley did. He’s giving the history of the FBI for some reason. Dunno.
MSNBC and CNN are still showing the same four pictures of the plane crash site.
10:00: Durbin is doing a barely awake recitation of how Joe Biden is not the real weaponization of the FBI, Trump and Kash Patel are the real weaponization of the FBI, ZZZZZZZZZZ.
10:05: Durbin is reciting Kash’s conspiracy theories about the FBI from his book — that the Capitol Police were “cowards in uniform” and that the FBI was planning January 6 for a year.
Also mentions that Kash Patel was the “producer” of that stupid fucking January 6 song where the jailed January 6 terrorists sang “The Star-Spangled Banner.” Lots of that in this great article.
10:11: Chuck Grassley wants to clarify that when Kash Patel was talking about “cowards in uniform,” he was talking about people at the Pentagon, not Capitol Police. He was shitting on different people.
Speaking of cowards, now we have Senator Thom Tillis to introduce Kash.
There really isn’t a predator, grifter, traitor or hack Trump wants in his Cabinet that Thom Tillis isn’t willing to give a piggyback ride into their confirmation hearing.
10:14: It’s amazing listening to these GOP senators read PornHub naughty fantasy hallucination versions of Kash’s resume, considering what a joke his resume is.
“Through his work as an author,” Tillis just said. THROUGH HIS WORK AS AN AUTHOR.
You guys:
10:19: Hey you guys, don’t worry, MSNBC is occasionally showing a letterbox of the Patel and Gabbard hearings, without sound, so people are definitely getting all the news they need to know about putting fascists and traitors in charge of two important Cabinet positions.
10:25: LOLOL Chuck Grassley’s first question is “what’s your proudest moment?” You know, since all these Democrats say he’s not qualified.
Kash’s proudest moment is “something something hostages.” (Read link about about how Kash does with hostage situations.)
10:27: Grassley wants assurance that no (delusional MAGA Trump-fellating) whistleblowers will be ignored or mistreated, the way Chris Wray did. OK.
10:29: PATEL: Anybody who says I’m anti-law-enforcement should listen to the way I’m about to namecheck Seal Team 6 like a starfucker right now, like they’re my friends!
10:30: GRASSLEY: Do you do QAnon? Is it a Guilt By Association to say you do?
PATEL: Baseless conspiracy theories!
10:31: Hahahahahaha, Kash Patel says he believes he personally is uniquely qualified to run the FBI because he has been so painfully Deep Stated by the government, awwwwww big victim, big mannnnnnnnnnn.
10:33: Dick Durbin is curious whether Kash Patel thinks Trump was right to pardon all the January 6 defendants, including all the ones who are violent criminals aside from the terrorism they committed that day.
Kash hasn’t looked at all the 1,600 people Trump pardoned. (Nor has Trump!)
Something something Joe Biden pardoned stinky people too.
10:36: LOL Kash says America will be safer when 200,000 PEOPLE DON’T DIE EVERY DAY OF DRUGS. This is his answer to whether America is safer because of Trump’s J6 terrorism pardons.
Durbin moves on to Kash’s “producer” job of the J6 choirs. He says he doesn’t know who was on it, or who made the recording. (He was listed as a producer, huh!)
10:38: Oh, MSNBC has finally decided to run this hearing live. The feeds are off, so I missed something probably, but now Durbin is questioning Kash’s ties with batshit Laura Loomer.
10:39: DURBIN: Does Kash know who Stew Peters is?
PATEL: I dunno!
DURBIN: You went on his podcast eight times. Here are all the times he was a crazy extremist!
Now Lindsey Graham is asking if anybody has ever been racist toward Kash Patel. Hey, people shouldn’t do that.
Kash Patel is still a fucking lunatic and unqualified and an absolute piece of shit.
10:42: Lindsey Graham is very upset Democrats won’t mention all the MAGA mouthbreathing conspiracy theories MAGA idiots believe about Trump and Russia, like the Devin Nunes memo Kash wrote, which was roundly mocked by all good people, including Wonkette:
Lindsey Graham and Kash Patel agree that everybody in the FBI used to hate Trump but now they love him, OR ELSE.
Something something Steele Dossier. It’s important to remember that the MAGA/Trump lie about the Russia investigation is that it was all predicated on the Steele Dossier. It was not. Also the Marco Rubio-led Senate Intelligence Committee concluded that there was tons of collusion between Trumpers and Russians.
By the way, because Lindsey Graham keeps lying about the Horowitz IG report like a filthy son of a bitch, here is a direct link to that.
Annnnnd now MSNBC cuts out!
10:51: Sheldon Whitehouse is reading quotes from former Trump officials talking about how unqualified and what a joke and what a liar Kash is. Bill Barr saying he’d never command the respect when Trump wanted him for the deputy director position. Former CIA Director Gina Haspel threatening to resign rather than have Kash as a CIA deputy.
Every person of integrity who has met this guy fucking hates him. Also lots of people without integrity, like Bill Barr.
10:55: Sheldon Whitehouse suggests that the things Kash Patel says in this hearing are very different from how he acts without adult supervision. Notes that lackeys in authoritarian regimes are often grandiose and servile, like this sad dipshit right here.
10:56: Kash Patel seems to say every quote every Democrat ever says about him is out of context. Guess we are always missing the part where he starts every sentence with “I’d sure sound like an incompetent fascist little bitch if I said …”
That is very unfair of us to leave out.
10:58: Now we go to John Cornyn. First question:
CORNYN: Is America awesome, or super-awesome?
PATEL: Oh boy, oh golly!
11:00: Cornyn asks if presidents should have all the intelligence they need? Trump is too brain-addled to even pay attention to intel briefings, of course. Here’s an article we wrote once about that:
11:06: Amy Klobuchar now.
So if we decided to liveblog Tulsi Gabbard on Tuesday — like literally the hearing that is happening today? — would that be good? Because it is absolutely appalling how all these things are happening today. We’ll see if she makes it out of committee.
KLOBUCHAR: Did you say all the elections all the time were rigged, but especially the 2020 election?
PATEL: I can’t remember any of the things I have ever said.
KLOBUCHAR: Did you post on the internet that January 6 wasn’t an insurrection, and “cowards in uniform,” etc.?
PATEL: I cannot possibly know!
KLOBUCHAR: Did you do clinical trials before promoting bullshit supplements claiming they could reverse the COVID vaccine?
PATEL: I only gave people a choice!
11:10: Kash Patel does not like it when you call his enemies list an enemies list! It is merely an enemies glossary!
11:12: Any quote anybody ever reads from Kash Patel is incomplete, says Kash Patel.
By the way, Klobuchar just mentioned it, but yes, Kash Patel embraced the bugfuck conspiracy theory that Italian toaster ovens stole the 2020 election for Joe Biden or whatever.
KLOBUCHAR: Did Kash Patel say he wants to close FBI HQ and reopen it as the “Museum of the Deep State”?
WONKETTE: Yes. They play this clip all the time on TV.
PATEL: False attacks and gross mischaracterizations!
WONKETTE: Eat fucks.
11:15: Kash Patel will HAVE YOU REMINDED that 300,000 law enforcement agents endorsed him!
Also there was just this big fight because Patel wouldn’t answer the question about “Museum of the Deep State,” and Klobuchar wanted an answer, and then all these loser redneck Republican senators started bitching and moaning.
11:17: Mike Lee, one of the looniest, most unhinged conspiracy theorists in the Senate, takes his turn. He is giving Kash a chance to defend why he called people “cowards in uniform” on January 6.
11:24: We barely watched Lee because Trump came on and we wanted to see if he was going to suggest they solve the plane crash by injecting bleach into the Potomac (not so far) but by the end it seemed like Mike Lee was about to cry because he loves Kash Patel so much. Guys like that (complete weenuses) tend to stick together.
Anyway, it’s Chris Coons now. He asked who the FBI director works for. Patel gave an answer about “direct report.” The answer Coons was looking for was “Consitution.”
COONS: Would you open an investigation into somebody Donald Trump ordered to?
KASH: This question speaks to how great I am at stuff! I will only do things right and goodly!
11:29: COONS: Would you RESIGN if Trump tried to get you do anything illegal?
KASH: I would never do anything illegal!
COONS: Would you RESIGN?
KASH: I will follow the law!
COONS: Would you RESIGN rather than follow an illegal order? Jesus fucking FUCK.
11:30: COONS: You have said out loud that you want to prosecute Christopher Wray. Are you going to?
KASH: I will be far too busy fighting violent crime! I am going to be good at FBI job-bing!
11:33: Hey you guys it’s Josh Hawley’s turn spoiler he is going to get naked and jerk himself off babbling conpsiracy theories about the FBI attacking Catholics. It is the only chicken he fucks these days. He did in the Pam Bondi hearing.
It is all entirely imaginary.
Here is the memo about Catholics that Hawley is always upset about, it is a fine memo.
Now Hawley moves on to babbling about conservative mommy Nazis being treated as domestic terrorists simply for protesting at the school board. This is the second phase of Hawley’s chicken-fucking in every hearing. We don’t even think he writes a new hearing script every time anymore. Too busy lovemaking this chicken.
11:39: The third phase of the chickenfucking is where Hawley whines about people prosecuted for violating the FACE Act, AKA people who unlawfully block and terrorize abortion clinics. He calls this “targeting based on people’s religious beliefs,” because in Mark Hawley’s Christian Fascist worldview, conservative Christians should be able to hurt and victimize other people without being questioned. This is because Mark Hawley is a Christian nationalist and a piece of human pigshit.
11:41: Uh oh, he just yelled “Hunter Biden laptop!” That means he cummed!
Stay tuned for the next hearing about literally anything, where Josh Hawley will say all the exact same things.
Anyway time for Richard Blumenthal.
11:43: BLUMENTHAL: Will you commit to not firing agents simply because they worked on cases you don’t like?
PATEL: General platitudes, not specifically!
BLUMENTHAL: You fail, it’s a yes or no.
11:46: BLUMENTHAL: Do you believe everybody in the J6 choir is “political prisoners”?
KASH: Well I don’t know all of them.
BLUMENTHAL: You told Steve Bannon you literally were involved in every bit of the production of that song! Fuck you.
KASH: I don’t know anything about anything I ever did!
BLUMENTHAL: Oh here’s one of them, the guy who pepper sprayed Brian Sicknick, who died because of his injuries that day.
KASH: I am not aware of January 6! I only help Americans in need!
11:47: Kash says accusing him of supporting political violence just because of all the stuff he’s done for Trump’s J6 terrorists is evidence of how divided we are, WAAAAAAAAH!
Refer to our headline.
11:50: Ted Cruz begins by thanking Kash Patel for saying yes to Donald Trump’s request that he become FBI director, as if a buttsniffer like Kash would have said anything besides “Sir, oh my god, I am one of the few men who actually gets tears in his eyes when Donald Trump talks to me, yes sir!”
Fuck, Kash literally writes Sir Stories about himself.
Ted Cruz sounds like he’s about to cry, just like Mike Lee did.
11:52: Ted Cruz is making up a Democrat Lie to debunk, saying Democrats are accusing Kash of causing the violence on January 6. Now they will definitely prove that Kash did not cause January 6.
11:57: Kick his fucking ass, Mazie Hirono.
She starts with her usual two questions, has Kash ever been a sex pest of any kind. He says no.
11:58: HIRONO: Is this one of your J6 choir buddies who assaulted cops, was he “proteesting for election integrity”?
PATEL: I don’t know who that is!
HIRONO: I just told you who he is, let the record show that the witness is unresponsive. Let’s list out the people on your enemies list, do you plan to prosecute them?
PATEL: No one who didn’t break the law will be investigated.
HIRONO: Unresponsive. Let’s talk about your weird horse paste boner bills COVID vaccine “detox” pills. Did you make money from this?
PATEL: DO YOU KNOW ANYBODY WHO DIED OF THE VACCINE? BECAUSE I DO!!!!!!!!!
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha that happened, what a lunatic.
12:01: HIRONO: Did Trump lose the 2020 election?’
KASH: The same weird answer all Trump appointees give because they’re not allowed/scared to tell the truth.
HIRONO: Unresponsive. Do you still plan to come after the free press?
KASH: I can’t go after the media for other people, that’s their decision!
HIRONO: I didn’t hear a no.
12:04: John Kennedy’s turn. Quick close your eyes, doesn’t his voice sound like Foghorn Leghorn and the pedophile from “Family Guy” had a baby and then dropped it on its head a lot?
KENNEDY: You were the guy who found out that the Trump Russia investigation was a hoax!
KASH: I was!
(SEE ABOVE. Marco Rubio’s Senate Intel Committee concluded it was decidedly not a hoax.)
12:06: Kennedy clarifies that some of the FBI is good, putting away world’s biggest criminals like Timothy McVeigh and, um, Jussie Smollett.
12:08: John Kennedy is still upset that Peter Strzok called Donald Trump “a fucking idiot” (he is) and that he said he could “smell” the Trump supporters at the Walmart in Cowfuck, Virginia. (We can smell it when we go to Walmart too.)
Kash Patel is also upset about this.
Peter Strzok is great. Remember when he testified for Congress all day in 2018?
12:11: OK all these weird shut-ins are taking a break, back in 30 minutes or whatever!
12:44: And we are back! Cory Booker begins.
BOOKER: Are you aware of any plans to punish FBI employees for working on investigations of Trump?
PATEL: Oh I couldn’t possibly!
12:47: Kash Patel just cannot remember any of the things these people are asking him about!
By the way, here are the receipts on Kash not being able to remember who the pro-Hitler podcaster Stew Peters is, even though he went on his podcast eight times.
BOOKER: Does Kash remember any of the people who interviewed him when he got immunity for the Trump classified documents case? And does he know anything about whether them getting fired by Trump last week?
PATEL: Kash Patel does not know any things!
BOOKER: Tell us about your time with the grand jury.
PATEL: I cannot talk about this, legally!
BOOKER: Oh you don’t know the law on this? Dumb fuck. You’re a witness. You can talk about it if you’re a witness. Did you commit any crimes as part of the classified docs investigation? Did you testify to witnessing Trump declassifying documents? (If he did, he lied under oath.)
PATEL: You should get the transcript!
BOOKER: What the absolute fuck are you hiding.
12:52: Oh good, Marsha Blackburn, who according to the expertise afforded her during her home ec major at a clown college in the South, deems Patel fit to run the FBI.
12:54: LOL you guys she wants to talk about Jeffrey Epstein.
Kash will solve the child sex trafficking, and you know he will, because remember he loves QAnon a lot.
12:57: Marsha Blackburn wants to talk more about “the Nunes memo” — which she pronounces like a white southern lady screaming “Mooo-ey beeeee-in!” and not understanding why speaking more loudly doesn’t cross language barriers.
OK we’ll talk about it more.
Always willing to talk about things.
1:02: There is some whole fight going on where Marsha Blackburn, an absolute moron, is accusing Dick Durbin of keeping the Epstein flight logs from here or something, and he like no, you moron, you just don’t understand Senate rules.
Anyway, Alex Padilla from California.
1:06: Padilla is asking about the times Patel has jeopardized the safety of hostages, as reported all over the media lately. He denies everything, of course, and again seems offended at the very suggestion. Kash Patel is always very offended at the suggestion.
1:09: Patel keeps whining that the funds for his J6 choir song went to charitable causes, by which he means the families of the Trump terrorists who did J6. Padilla wants to know if any of the money went to families of the police officers they brutally attacked.
That’d be a no.
1:12: Gross creep Eric Schmitt is upset about the centuries-long campaign between the Deep State and all the big companies to suppress Hunter Biden’s laptop, the most important thing that ever existed, and make people think it was Russian disinformation.
Hey, guess who still says the laptop actually is full of Russian disinfo? Lev Parnas.
1:15: Schmitt is going through a sad weird game of “would you rather,” listing out every hallucinatory batshit MAGA conspiracy theory he can think of about weaponization of literally everything against conservatives. Basically he and Kash are 69-ing, right in front of the whole Senate.
1:20: PETER WELCH: Why is it so hard for you incels, traitors and freaks to say “Joe Biden won in 2020?”
PATEL: I don’t know how else to say it besides the weird acrobatic Trump-sucking thing we do to avoid saying the words “Biden won!”
WELCH: You say he won LOL.
1:22: WELCH: I can say Trump won. I don’t like it. But I can say it.
PATEL: I can only say the weird thing!
1:23: While weasel-wording about whether he would investigate somebody like Kamala Harris, Kash Patel — AN INDIAN MAN — misponounces “Kamala.”
In case you want to know how deep the limp-dicked MAGA derangement about that goes.
1:26: Katie Britt, the southern senator with the selective Fundie Baby Voice is here to be just as serious as she always is.
This is not a serious back-and-forth, it’s just Republicans fawning all over each other.
1:34: That was absolutely pointless, if Katie Britt didn’t show up to work for a year, nobody would notice either way.
Anyway, Adam Schiff is reading quotes Kash said to Steve Bannon about how involved he was in making the J6 choir song happen. So why did he testify this morning that he had nothing to do with it?
Kash is trying to suggest that not all instances of the word “we” include the person who is speaking. It’s definitely not that he committed perjury today!
Kash says he wasn’t lying to Steve Bannon either, he was just using the “proverbial” we. (There is no proverbial “we” that doesn’t include the speaker.)
1:37: Schiff is daring Kash to look the Capitol Police in the room in the eye and tell them how awesome it was that he helped the J6 terrorists make their little song. Kash is to much of a worthless coward.
“I AM FIT TO BE DIRECTOR OF THE FBI!” says Kash, humbly. “Based on my 16 years of service!” (Which were a joke.)
1:39: SCHIFF: Did you claim Trump declassified all the documents at Mar-a-Lago that he stole?
KASH: Claim where?
SCHIFF: Anywhere!
This is fun, he’s trying to get Kash to admit if he lied under oath to the grand jury. We sure would like to know!
1:41: Schiff wants to know if Kash will support the release of his grand jury testimony and all the parts of Jack Smith’s report that pertain to him. Kash doesn’t seem so excited about transparency anymore!
1:43: Thom Tillis thinks it is humble or something that Kash Patel uses the “proverbial we” to explain he was not part of things he previously said he was part of to Steve Bannon? LOL OK.
Anyway, Thom Tillis says all the questions about Kash refusing to admit Trump lost don’t count because Hillary Clinton called Trump an illegitimate president.
Remember when we called Thom Tillis a fucking coward and a bastard? He’s a fucking coward and bastard.
1:48: Thom Tillis says it is very “high school” to insist Kash Patel say Joe Biden won the election in 2020.
Thom Tillis is a coward and a bastard. He wants you to think he’s a serious guy, but he’s not.
1:51: Y’all! This is the new Marco Rubio from Florida! Ashley Moody! People come up to her and ask her if she’s Katie Britt! Ha ha! Katie Britt thinks that’s pretty funny! Aren’t we glad to welcome Ashley Moody who isn’t Katie Britt! Let’s all eat cupcakes and do icebreakers while we help Donald Trump usher in the Fourth Reich!
1:58: Now we move on to the second round of questioning, these are just three minutes apiece. Don’t know what Ashley Moody talked about, was too busy thinking it was hilarious how Katie Britt was looking at her, like “Oh yay! It’s fun having the end down here for just us white Republican fascist girls!”
2:06: Dick Durbin tries again to get Kash to own up to his batshit belief that the FBI spent years planning January 6. Kash insists that to understand his true meaning, you have to listen to him babble for fucking hours on these goddamned Nazi and incel podcasts he goes on.
Hard pass.
2:11: Sheldon Whitehouse is going around and around in circles, trying to explain to Kash Patel that grand jury witnesses are allowed to speak about their testimony. Kash is pretending he’s too stupid to understand. Whitehouse is treating him as if he believes he is indeed that fucking stupid.
“There’s a court order prohibiting you talking about whether you’re under a court order?”
Jesus Christ.
The point is, Kash Patel can talk about his grand jury testimony, and we need to know, because we need to know if he lied to the grand jury.
2:14: John Kennedy would not put James Comey in charge of a ham sandwich.
Kennedy is also pretending that there was something inappropriate about DOJ investigating Trump after Trump announced he was running for president.
Of course, Trump announced preternaturally early because he was trying to stay out of jail.
Anyway, Chris Coons, going through these at a clip now.
2:18: COONS: The law says you can’t fire IGs without giving Congress 30 days notice. How long as Trump been in office?
KASH: Not 30 days.
COONS: So did Trump violate that law?
KASH: I cannot answer a hypothetical!
2:20: Ted Cruz says when he goes back to Texas people always ask him if we should abolish the FBI. We guess all the Texans Ted Cruz talks to are dumb pigfucks.
2:24: RICHARD BLUMENTHAL: Whaaaaaaat are you hiding! Why would you not be OK with telling us what you told the grand jury in the Trump stolen treason documents case? You pleaded the fifth and were given immunity!
KASH: I cannot talk more!
Oh good, more Katie Britt, everybody’s brain can take a break because hers is.
2:30: AMY KLOBUCHAR: [Reads quotes of Kash accusing Capitol Police of lying under oath about him]
KASH: Out of context! You have to listen to all six hours of every incel Nazi loser podcast I go on to understand my real words!
KLOBUCHAR: Cool, if are you fine with it, we’ll do six hours of questioning so I can read it all.
KASH: You have two minutes.
KLOBUCHAR: Wow.
Whoever lied to Kash Patel and told him he was special and worthy really did him a disservice.
2:32: Y’all, the White Christian Republican Fascist Ladies’ Brigade is cuttin’ up again! Katie Britt’s tryin’ to get Kash Patel to move the FBI HQ to Alabama! Ashley Moody says do Florida instead! LOL! Let’s all laugh some more and sing Young Life songs while we allow the Stupid Hitler we worship to consolidate power!
2:35: HIRONO: Why is your dad Donald Trump so scared of people who aren’t white fascist Hitlers? You shared times people were horribly racist against you, and I am sympathetic. One time you even signed an amicus brief supporting consideration of race in law school applications. I hope you won’t change your fervent support of this kind of DEI, even though you are so horribly unqualified.
Also notes that little MAGA pomeranian Mike Davis has been threatening to make Republican senators’ lives a living hell if they don’t vote for Kash.
2:38: Eric Schmitt, a dumb man, is trying to help Kash weasel out of supporting the release of his grand jury testimony. (Again, he can talk about it today.) Wouldn’t you agree it would be more ACCURATE for us to see the transcripts, which you won’t support releasing?
2:43: BOOKER: Did you see Trump declassify the documents he stole and took to Mar-a-Lago?
KASH: I have seen him declassify things!
BOOKER: The ones from Mar-a-Lago?
KASH: How could I know?
BOOKER: Would you lie for Trump?
KASH: No!
BOOKER: Then why don’t you clarify for us what you said to the grand jury? Jesus Christ. Did you lie for Donald Trump?
Booker also had some interesting questions about whether Elon Musk may have handpicked other political appointees at the FBI.
2:46: Oh good, Marsha Blackburn is back. Kash mentioned that Memphis is the homicide capital of the world. She is very concerned with getting assurances that Kash will fix Memphis. (Take it from Memphis, we fucking hate that woman and every time she deigns to step into this city.)
2:51: We kind of love how much Alex Padilla openly loathes every one of these appointees.
2:55: WELCH: Do you want Elon Musk over your shoulder giving you orders on personnel decisions?
KASH: No!
WELCH: Kick him out!
We will have to find out more about this, but here’s an article about that.
2:59: LMAO, Adam Schiff is just wondering if Kash Patel is the first FBI director nominee in history ever to need to plead the Fifth before a grand jury.
3:00: SCHIFF: HOW DID WE GET HERE? HOW DID WE GET TO A PLACE WHERE THE NOMINEE FOR FBI DIRECTOR IS SOME FUCKING MORON WHO MADE A SONG WITH CONVICTS WHO ATTACKED THE CAPITOL POLICE?
We don’t know either, Senator Schiff.
Thom Tillis is going to end the hearing. Reminder that he is a sniveling coward and a bastard.
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345,426,571 heads inhabited the USofA in 2024, according to Census Official...
Three 𝘩𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘳𝘦𝘥 forty-five 𝘮𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘰𝘯+ people, excluding 𝘎𝘳𝘦𝘦𝘯𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘥...
And this person is the one sitting for the job...
Yup, the stupidest time to be alive! We're all 𝘴𝘰 lucky
Until I read this piece, I thought the dumbest, neediest, most desperate-to-be-liked person Trump knows was Don Jr.