Have you ever wondered who your partner is talking to when they're playing a multi-player online game? If you have, I want you to imagine that feeling, hone in on any of the anxiety or paranoia that might be lurking in the back of your mind...and then multiply it by 100.
Because u/ThrowRARPHUS's post on the r/relationship_advice subreddit describes one of the most upsetting occurrences of a virtual relationship going too far that I've ever read.
Here's the story:
"My (27, female) husband (28, male) is heavily involved in an online game in which members roleplay as characters in a town. Each member has jobs and roles within the town. There is a Discord server where the members can chat and type back and forth with each other. My husband spends multiple hours on this game per day."
"I am a stay-at-home mom to our 6-month-old daughter; my husband works 40-50 hours per week, sometimes less. I do nearly all the housework and childcare, which I only mention in case someone reading this thinks it’s relevant."
"Okay, now on to the actual issue: Through this game, my husband has met a few online friends, and these friends all talk about both their in-game lives and their home lives, much like you would if you were meeting your friends every day to play Dungeons & Dragons. My husband has become especially close with this one woman (28, female, I’ll call her 'B')."
"My husband and B talk every day through Discord. My husband chats with her even when he's at work. I know this because I’ve seen their messages.
They also voice chat (with me in the room) every day. B knows about me and our daughter and frequently asks how we’re doing."
"In the game, however, their characters are dating. I think today I even saw them roleplay as being intimate. Typing this is so stupid, and it is truly so embarrassing. Is this cheating???? It feels like a roundabout way to cheat. I’m losing my mind here."
"Not to mention, they could be saying more intimate things in the game. I see in their Discord chat that they 'read each other’s journals.'"
"I felt kind of odd about their relationship recently and spoke to my husband about it, who assured me that they’re just friends and that there's nothing for me to worry about."
"It didn’t necessarily make me feel better, but at least my feelings are known."
Welp, that's the post (and, if you read on, there are two updates). But before getting to what happened next, many people responded to the post and encouraged the person posting to have another conversation with her husband about what's going on:
"He's literally sexting and having virtual text sex with another woman; it's worth discussing."
"Look. Even if he doesn't view this as cheating and even if he feels 100% platonic about their friendship, and even if he is head over heels in love with you, you are allowed to tell him this makes you uncomfortable.
Talk to him about it. Be clear that this makes you uncomfortable. Don't belittle yourself or your emotions when you tell him this. If he cares about you, he'll stop. If he doesn't stop, well...now you know he values his friendship with B over your marriage."
Here's the first update: "Well, I decided to go through his phone, where I found sexts between my husband and B (some of which my husband sent while he was at work)."
"Times like these make me feel like there’s no real love in the world. It makes me feel terrible about myself and my weird postpartum body. It makes me feel like the world is such a hostile place."
And then, there's another update: "Somehow, he deleted the messages I sent to her telling her to back off before she even saw them. He’s on his way to work, and they’re on a godd*mn Discord call. You can’t make this sh*t up. Also, they may be texting now since they know I read Discord. B messaged my husband on Discord, 'I know you said to text you.'"
"I’m staying with my parents this weekend; I’m terrified to start over; I have exactly zero money, and all of this is massively embarrassing on top of everything. I know I shouldn’t feel bad about myself. But I do, you know? Postpartum changed my body, and I don't know, maybe that contributed. I’m gonna mope around for a day or so and then figure things out. Thank you, everyone, I will update when I remember and/or when something notable happens."
Those are all the updates. The comments are interesting, with many people sharing their own experiences of either dating somebody who maintained a virtual relationship or they themselves having an online relationship that they don't want to give up:
"I was in the same situation. My partner admitted that it went too far but made excuses as to why he couldn’t end the online relationship. He said it was 'important to his character' and would 'upset the storyline' if he ended it. It drove me crazy because I couldn’t understand how he could possibly think that."
"I'm in an online role-playing game. One of my characters is dating/married to one of the characters of one of my friends, whom I talk to daily (on and off all day). Sometimes, we roleplay smut. We've been writing these characters together in different scenarios for nearly five years. Me and my friend aren't dating. We're not romantically involved, and we're not romantically interested in one another. I have other characters who date the characters of my other friends (though my other friends and I don't talk as regularly as the first). I have visited this friend and my other roleplaying friends and stayed with them and their families.
I'm single, so it's not an issue right now. But if I started to date someone and they were uncomfortable with how my friend and I roleplayed, I would try my best to make it work so everyone was happy. I'm very attached to our characters' marriage, and I don't think I'd want to give that up, but I'd definitely try to find compromises with my partner so that they could be comfortable with my hobby because just because I wouldn't consider it cheating doesn't mean that I should disregard my partner's feelings on the matter. Being in a healthy relationship means not doing things that make your partner feel shitty about themselves or your relationship."
"My husband has a friend whose ex had multiple affairs online via WOW and finally left him for one of the men. It happens so often and is so sad."
Still, nearly everyone in the comments expressed empathy and encouragement for the Original Poster. I think regardless of how you feel about role-play relationships in general, it's clear here that in this particular scenario, her husband undoubtedly betrayed her and her trust:
"I'm so sorry. Try to take some time and sleep. This is a lot to go through. I'd also text him that he chose her the minute he called, and if he wants to save your marriage, he'd best be looking into counseling, deleting everything related to her, including his game, and all his devices should be open to you. If he refuses any of these requests, I'd start filing. He doesn't sound remorseful because he immediately called her when he thought you wouldn't know."
"My ex did this sh*t. I even told him it made me uncomfortable, and he didn't care. They would send nudes to each other, which was one of the many reasons I ended things with him. I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks."
"Leaving that relationship (if that route is what it ends up being) doesn't make you unlovable! Having a strong, bad*ss mom who puts her child above herself will be an amazing role model for your daughter to grow up with!
I really can't speak on the difficulty of being a single mom as I don't have kids, but what I can say is if he can't pull his head out of his ass and put his focus and attention where it belongs, then he doesn't deserve to be there.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP."
So, what do you think? Were you surprised that the relationship extended beyond the confines of the game? And would it bother you if your partner was "dating" someone in an online role-play game? Let's say it didn't go as far as it did in this story, but that the relationship lived solely in the world of game-play; would that make it more okay with you? Or is online role-play-dating simply a line that just shouldn't be crossed?
Let us know in the comments!
And, if you have had a similar experience with you or a partner becoming romantically involved with a virtual or pseudo-virtual person/character, let us know in the comments or by filling out this anonymous Google form.
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Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.